


I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud

by wewriteletters



Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, takes place at the end of seven reasons, with a somewhat happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 15:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13504437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wewriteletters/pseuds/wewriteletters
Summary: Shaun tries to process Doctor Glassman’s comments.





	I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the William Wordsworth poem of the same name because I’m pretentious like that. This is the first fic I have published since like 2013 so this is just kinda me trying to get back in the swing of things. This story just came to me at like 7 am when I was waking up and it wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it down. So here is the finished product! I apologize for any errors, spelling and grammar are not my strong suit. And I’m sure there are a few instances where I switch from present tense to past tense, so I’m just gonna apologize for them now. Hope you guys like it!
> 
> Content warning for a quick mention of blood.

Shaun can’t remember the last time he cried.

Maybe it was at Steve’s funeral. Maybe it was after a fellow student hurled a particularly hurtful comment his way in medical school. Maybe it was after he read To Kill a Mockingbird to Evan. 

Maybe it’s not that he can’t remember the last time he cried. It’s that now, standing in the elevator, feeling the hot tears rush down his cheeks, this is the only time he’s cried that he can think about. 

It’s frustrating. Shaun doesn’t understand why Doctor Glassman is doing this to him. Why can’t they just go back to how it was before? Why can’t they have breakfast together like they do every Monday? Why can’t he just be his friend? That was all he needed. Shaun thought that after Doctor Glassman promised to back off with the therapist, they would fall back into their old relationship, their old routine. 

But nothing is ever that simple. 

As the elevator drops, floor to floor to floor, Shaun finds the tears coming down faster and faster and faster. The space is too small, it feels as if the metallic walls are slowly closing in on him. Shaun runs his hand through his bangs, trying desperately to provide himself with any semblance of comfort. He vaguely remembers having a similar reaction after Doctor Glassman made him meet with Melissa in his office. It feels like that event occured in the distance past, even though Shaun knows it was less than a week ago. In hindsight, that was probably the point of no return. Why didn’t Doctor Glassman just let Shaun say no? None of this would have happened if Doctor Glassman had just listened to him!

By the time the elevator reaches the lobby, Shaun is holding back sobs. He forces himself to only quietly cry, each tear choking itself out as a slight mumble that barely escapes his lips. The silence doesn’t make the tears, or the pain, any less real. People are gonna stare at him when he walks out, but he doesn’t care. When the elevator door finally opens, Shaun walks as quick as he can, eyes forward, not even glancing at those around him. By the time he makes it to his bus stop, he can feel his lips quivering violently as he tries to keep from letting out any audible sound. Shaun walks on board, not even bothering to try and look the driver in the eye as he swipes his pass. He manages to get to his seat and turns to stare down at his clasped hands that rest on his lap. His conversation with Doctor Glassman plays on loop in his head, and Shaun finds himself mouthing the words.

_“I need a friend.” ___

____

_“Shaun, I am someone who can’t help but give advice, you know? I don’t know if I can not do that.” _  
__

__After repeating it silently a few times, Shaun bites down on his lip. He doesn’t let up, even when he notices his teeth have dug in so far in, he can taste blood. He doesn’t want to think about Doctor Glassman's words anymore._ _

____

____

There is no reprieve from the tears though, even with his mouth so tightly closed. In fact, they seem to just be getting faster and more pronounced. Even the sound of crying is starting to wear down his defenses, as if they are forcing their way from the back of his throat to his closed mouth with a battering ram. A slight sob manages to escape his lips and Shaun notices a woman sitting in the seat across from him glancing towards him from the corner of his eye. She quickly looks away. It makes him want to cry even more. But he can’t. 

_“I think you should be my friend.” ___

____

__

_“Shaun...” ___

____

____

Had Doctor Glassman not heard the desperation in his voice, as he stood there, aching and vulnerable? Maybe he heard, and just didn’t care. And that, Shaun thinks, is even worse. 

Shaun finally unclenches his mouth and lets out a breath. He needs to think about this logically. He needs to make things right. If Doctor Glassman doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore, Shaun doesn’t know how he’ll cope.

Maybe this was all his fault. Maybe if he hadn’t gone on that road trip with Lea, Doctor Glassman wouldn’t be doing this to him.

But if he hadn’t gone on a road trip with Lea, he never would have gotten drunk, sang karaoke, gotten to drive. He never would have gotten to kiss Lea. If he stayed, Doctor Glassman might have made him see Melisa. No, he definitely would have made Shaun see Melisa. Did he really want any relationship with Doctor Glassman if it meant not being allowed to make his own decisions? 

It’s all so confusing, Shaun thinks. He doesn’t understand why Doctor Glassman won’t even try to change for him. How many times had he quietly taken Shaun aside to tell him that he was doing something incorrectly when he spoke with someone? How many times had he corrected Shaun’s behavior? How many times had Doctor Glassman made him change? And how many times had Doctor Glassman changed for him? 

Doctor Glassman always told Shaun that he cares about him. He told him that as a terrified child, hands wrapped around his knees, quietly breaking down because he had another nightmare about his father. He told him that when he came home from attending a school where none of the other students made any effort to be kind to him, never mind try and understand him. He told him that as they drove home from the hospital together, while Shaun rattled off every detail about every patient that wandered through those emergency room doors. And Shaun always thought Doctor Glassman cared about him. Doctor Glassman had no reason to lie about it. And when someone cared about someone else, they wanted that person to be happy. If that person needed a friend, they would be there for them. 

Maybe he should talk to Doctor Glassman again? He could explain it all. He could tell him that they could both try harder, they could figure out a new relationship. They could have breakfast together on Monday morning like they always do. They could make it work. 

But thinking about that only makes the slight headache he got from crying worse. So Shaun resigns himself to simply looking out the window, trying not to pay mind to the wet trails streaking his cheeks that he can see in the blurred reflection. Maybe he’s thinking about it too hard. Maybe it is better to be alone. Maybe this would all be for the best. He was alone when Steve died. Until he wasn’t. He wasn’t alone because Doctor Glassman took him in. And now it seems like Doctor Glassman doesn't want anything to do with him. 

Shaun doesn’t want to be alone again. 

As the bus finally roles to a stop nearly half an hour later, Shaun stands and holds onto to the back of his seat for support. He rushes off, hands clasped tightly, eyes down. He just wants to get home. But as he walks down the street, Shaun finds his eyes drawn to the bright lights illuminating the sign hanging above the hardware store. It’s on the walk from the bus stop to his apartment, but he’s never paid it much attention before. 

_“Shaun, there’s a hardware store up the road. You can buy a new one.” ___

____

____

_“I don’t want a new screwdriver, I want my screwdriver!”_

____

____

The flash of the conversation with Doctor Glassman- what was it? A month ago?- made its way into his mind. Shaun now finds himself repeating this conversation, first in his head, then softly to himself, finally out loud. No one else is around to hear, but he doubts he’d care at this point if anyone did. 

Was that why Doctor Glassman didn’t want to be his friend? Was he upset with him? Was it because of his past actions? Was he tired of coming to his aid at any needed moment? Wasn’t that why Doctor Glassman had pushed for a therapist in the first place? 

It really is all his fault, isn't it? 

He tries to push the thought from his head and think of something comforting as he walks closer and closer to the front doors of the hardware store, like a moth attracted to the neon lights of the sign. He should think about something else. He should think about Lea. That would make him feel better.

Shaun misses Lea. Lea was his friend. No, Lea was more than his friend. He wants her to wave off Doctor Glassman’s comments with a, “Glassy the Grouch doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” and tell him that he could handle any situation life threw at him.

He wants Lea to be here.

But Lea isn’t here. She is somewhere in Hershey, Pennsylvania, maybe sleeping, maybe fixing up some old car, maybe reading one of the dozen of books Shaun had recommended she check out. Maybe she is happy. But it didn’t really matter to Shaun, because, in this moment, she still isn’t here. 

Without even thinking about it, Shaun finds himself wandering around the bright aisles of the hardware store. He haphazardly swipes at the wet smears on his cheeks; it seems like he had cried out everything he had on the bus. He doesn’t feel any better. 

The store is practically deserted. He walks through the aisles of paint, then piping, then hardwood flooring. Shaun thinks he knows why he’s here, but he can’t find the way to articulate it, even to himself. The store smells awful, like paint, sawdust, and miscellaneous chemicals all combining to make something that makes Shaun want to gag.

A new memory, a new smell. Realizing he is alone. It smells like his fathers shirt when he came home from work. It makes Shaun hate it even more.

Walking through the store, Shaun lets his mind drift to his trip with Lea. He deserves a happy memory, he thinks, something he can get lost in. Something to make him even somewhat happy. Something to take his mind off everything.

He remembers every moment, every detail, every smell, from that day. Pine trees, burnt rubber, alcohol, vomit. Lea. 

Lea, Lea, Lea. 

Shaun twists his hands together tightly. Instead of comfort, the memories are only bringing the tears back. He feels them stinging in his eyes and swallows hard to try and hold them back. 

He had just lost Lea. And now he was losing Doctor Glassman. And after that, who would he have left? 

Rounding the corner of the metal ware aisle, Shaun realizes he has made his way back to the front of the store. Only one cashier is working and a few people stand in line at his station. Night is settling outside, Shaun can see it from the large front windows. He can still feel the water still in his eyes, burning, aching for a release. When he gets home, he can let himself cry. As much as he wants. 

Shaun starts towards the door, but before he can even get past the register, something captures his attention. A pop of green, out of the corner of his eye. It stands out against the dull beige and white that seems to cover the store. 

He turns slightly and realizes he is standing right next to a display of car air fresheners. They hang from metal hooks attached to the cardboard, dozens of them all in a row. They’re in plastic packaging but Shaun can see the item through the clear front. Pine trees. 

It's enough to subside the tears welling in his eyes. It's the first flash of comfort he has felt in the past day. It's familiar and inviting and makes him forget Doctor Glassman's words that have been wandering his mind like ghosts since Shaun left his office. 

He reaches out and wraps his fingers around one of them, pulls it off and walks towards the register, not thinking twice. 

_“What are you smelling right now?” ___

____

____

_“Pine trees.”_

____

____

Shaun doesn’t have a car. But he doesn’t need that to enjoy the small trinket. It was still something. Something that could remind him that he wasn’t alone, that he would always have Lea. Even if she wasn’t in San Jose. He would always have the memory of that day, and he would always have her. He could hang on nail in the wall the previous tenant had left up. And whenever he was lonely, he could smell it and remember that wonderful day.

And he wouldn’t feel so lonely anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have no idea where one would buy one of those pine tree things but Ace Hardware has them listed for sale on their website so I’ll assume they can be bought at a hardware store. Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed this! Like I said, I haven’t published a fic in years but I’m currently working on a few others for this fandom, so hopefully those turn out well. Have a nice day!


End file.
